An Excerpt from “Building Connections: Practical Ways that Financial Professionals Can Connect and Communicate with Clients”

Building on the Foundation

As we discussed earlier on, client relationships are built through continuous positive interactions. You build credibility slowly over time. One positive meeting builds on another. As it does, you begin to find that communication becomes better in the process. Even negative feedback may be given to the client easily if the relationship is good. Well-placed stories and metaphors should facilitate this type of relationship building. They should further your ability to relate to the client and understand their situation. Telling a story at the wrong time or before a proper foundation has been built can result in the perception that you are trying to “sell” the client or simply that you do not understand the topic.

I remember one time meeting with an estate attorney over coffee. We had talked briefly at a Financial Planning Association meeting, and I wanted to hear more about his services. After some small talk about the weather and the chances of the Carolina Panthers making the playoffs, he began telling me a story about his great aunt dying without a will. He went on and on about the anguish that his family went through by having to go through the probate process. He talked about his mother crying in the courtroom and the impression it made on him as a child. He then looked me straight in the eye and asked me how I would feel if it was my family. After taking a sip of my coffee, which had turned lukewarm during the conversation, I looked at him and simply said, “I hope my family does not go through what yours did. However, I really just wanted you to tell me more about your services.”

Perhaps my heart or my words were colder than my coffee was on that morning, but about halfway through his story, he had lost me. I was no longer interested in the story about his family. Was the story true? I am not sure. Maybe it was. Maybe it wasn’t. Either way, the deeply personal nature of it was out of place. If we had known each other several years or if I had met his family, it might have been different. However, after only briefly meeting someone, my skepticism immediately stepped in. Whether right or wrong, I immediately wondered if this was a sales pitch. As soon as this thought crept into my head, I was no longer listening very closely.

What was wrong with the story that my coffee lawyer told me? On the surface, nothing. However, people in our society are very used to being sold something. They are used to being bombarded with ads and people claiming one thing but doing something else. Whether we like it or not, there is always some degree of cynicism that we all carry with us. For this reason, it is important to realize that even if a story is true, the timing of when we offer it is just as important as its legitimacy. Whenever we offer a story, a saying, or a metaphor, it needs to be appropriate for the audience at that particular point in time.

Whenever you are first working with someone, I have found it best to keep metaphors and stories to a minimum. Focus on factual items and making sure you are addressing their initial questions. While sharing something about yourself can help build the relationship, it is often best to make sure that the focus remains on the client. Keep stories about you to a minimum to make sure that the client’s needs are being addressed. This is not to say that you shouldn’t answer surface-level questions about you, your experience, or even something about your family (that you are comfortable with sharing). It simply means that keeping things more focused on the client helps send the message that you are there for them.

Personal stories can be very powerful, but they must be placed well. When you meet someone for the first time, it is rare for you to share with them something deeply personal about yourself. It is not that the story is inaccurate or unimportant. It is more that giving someone something deeply personal about yourself requires trust and an understanding that they can be trusted with such a story. Our client relationships should involve the same level of discernment. Don’t force a story upon someone before they are ready for it.

On-Point, Not Just On-Topic

In college, I had a friend who used to use the term “conversation stealing” to describe any situation where someone would tell a story related to a topic in an effort to be part of a conversation that really wasn’t on-point with the conversation itself. For example, one person might be telling a story about how they were traveling to a coastal city to help with hurricane relief efforts. They might say how they were passionate about helping others and looking forward to making a difference. Another person then might attempt to shift the focus to themselves and their own experience by telling a story about how they visited the same coastal town on vacation several years ago. This would be an example of conversation stealing. While the comment was about the same coastal city, it was not on-point. One person was talking about doing relief work and helping other people. The second person was talking about vacationing in the same spot. While the topic was the same, the comment was not on-point with the conversation.

Conversation stealing in public outings with one’s friends may be passed off as harmless and even funny. However, in client situations, conversation stealing can have much more detrimental results. It can undermine what the client says, shift the focus away from the client’s needs, or even worse, send the message that your story is more important than the client’s situation.

Let’s say that a client has a child who is going off to school for the first time. They are coming to you in an effort to understand the tax implications of this and even learn how the high cost of college might help them lower their tax liability. They start the conversation by talking about how their son had just moved into his dormitory and was worried about balancing a job with his chosen program. Being able to relate to this situation, you pipe in by telling a story about taking your own child to college and how difficult it was to pack everything up and how tight money was during that time.

What’s the danger in telling this story? It’s simple. When you tell a story like this, it shifts the focus away from the client. While you may be able to relate, you want the focus of the conversation to stay on their struggles and concerns. If the focus shifts to you, it often works against these goals. Does this mean it is always wrong to say that you can relate to something a client is going through? Not at all. However, you need to keep your description of that connection short in an effort not to shift the focus. In an effort to stay on-point, instead of telling a story, you might just simply say, “My daughter went off to school recently as well. It does raise a lot of questions. What sort of things are on your mind? How can I help?” While a longer and more in-depth story about your daughter going off to college might solidify the connection you are trying to make with the client, it wouldn’t be on-point with the overall conversation.

Is it best to always keep personal stories that you can relate to a topic short, then? Not necessarily. Sharing personal stories (within reason) can help bring you closer to a client. More specifically, you simply need to make sure that the stories do not shift the topic too far away from where it needs to be. It is perfectly fine and potentially reassuring to a client if you can relate legitimately to their needs. It is only when the focus drifts too far that it becomes problematic. When it shifts the focus away from the client’s needs, it works against relationship building. This is true regardless of the method of communication.